Boundaries, control, consequences, and punishment
Teasing apart the differences
Last week I ended by writing that I wanted to see if I could expand my decision to stop using shaming language, like calling someone an asshole, to people who choose to be violent. Before I walk through that thought exercise, I need to become clear on certain definitions.
What are the differences between boundaries and control?
Boundaries focus on what I will do to protect my needs, while control focuses on what I want, and will try to make, others do. All the advice I’ve seen says that well-communicated boundaries are healthy and controlling relationships aren’t. If I think about my need for quiet, I have options for how to get that quiet while living with my parents, who sometimes need the volume louder than I can handle. My boundary is saying, “if you turn up the volume louder, I will put my headphones on to dampen the volume” or “I will go upstairs if the volume is too loud for me”. Alternatively, I could try to control my parents by saying, “you cannot turn the volume up any louder” followed by an explicit or implied threat. “You cannot turn the volume up any louder or else I will hit you”.
From my parents’ perspective, they might say, “when we are watching TV together, I am going to increase the volume until I can hear it”. If they took me wearing headphones as an insult to them or rude, they could try to control me by saying something like, “you are not allowed to wear your headphones while with other people. We won’t let you watch any TV or movies if you put them on”.
I agree that control in those examples aren’t kind or compassionate. But I think there are plenty of examples where people, organizations, and governments use control in ways that are generally acceptable. Aren’t laws meant to control behaviour so that people are required to act for the common good when they might rather act solely in their own interests?
For example, many people have a house rule that says, “you are not allowed to smoke inside” and I don’t think many people would argue that’s wrong. If I changed the wording to a boundary, it becomes, “if you smoke in my home I will ask you to leave/not invite you over anymore”. Maybe it’s just me, but in this example, I prefer the language of the controlling rule rather than the boundary.
Daycares and schools control their environments by requiring their students/children in care to have their routine vaccinations up to date before attending. I know there are parents who don’t like this, but the dramatic reduction in childhood deaths due to vaccines show that it is a net good for this control to exist.
From my point of view, a controlling rule is acceptable, even desirable, when it protects people with less power/prevents people from abusing their power. A controlling rule is unacceptable and a red flag when it disempowers the more vulnerable person in that situation.
Consequences vs punishment
According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, consequences are “something produced by a cause or necessarily following from a set of conditions”.
Punishments are “1: the act of punishing, 2a: suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution b: a penalty inflicted on an offender through judicial procedure, or 3: severe, rough, or disastrous treatment”
Punishing is: “1a: to impose a penalty on for a fault, offense, or violation. b: to inflict a penalty for the commission of (an offense) in retribution or retaliation, 2a: to deal with roughly or harshly b: to inflict injury on: hurt”
As I understand it, a consequence will happen as the natural result of an action, while a punishment is always a choice. Consequences can sometimes be hard to predict as they will vary depending on the context of the action and might be perceived as a punishment. Let’s look again at my example of listening to the TV at a loud volume.
A consequence of me listening to the TV at a loud volume is that my capacity to handle stressors is reduced and I risk having a meltdown or a crash. Many factors go into whether or not the loud volume will result in a meltdown: did I get a refreshing sleep the night before, am I well hydrated, have I eaten enough food that day, how loved and respected do I feel, was I prepared for the volume to be loud, or was it turned way up unexpectedly, do I have a headache or migraine, how much body pain do I have, how long have I been exposed to the loud volume, am I dealing with an acute infection, etc, etc, etc. Basically, how full is my stressor bucket at the time of watching TV?
Since it isn’t easy for others to know how full my stressor bucket is, if I have a meltdown and cry or yell, they might perceive my actions not as a natural consequence to the loud noise, but as me trying to punish them, which is unfortunate for everyone involved.
A punishment for listening to the TV at a loud volume could be me telling myself I’m a loser for not being able to handle it, or harshly asking myself what is wrong with me for not being normal. Or I could force myself to stay and turn the volume up even louder, which would increase my pain, to try to force myself to learn how to be normal. On the other hand, I could call myself a coward a bad person for not removing myself from the environment or getting my headphones to relieve my pain. I could tell myself I’m “too much” for needing accommodations and not worth the effort. I could tell myself the world would be better off without me and all my extra needs. Of course, others could tell me all of these things too. Many autistics and other disabled and chronically ill people can give examples of other people trying to punish us for being different and having different needs.
The pervasiveness of punishments
I’m a little bit embarrassed to say that until this week, I haven’t given deep thought to punishments and how dangerous they can be to a person’s self-worth. When I’ve been angry at someone who has hurt me, it has felt natural to want to get even, or get revenge, or hurt them in return. But does that help me get my needs met? Like I wrote last week, shaming a person in an argument derails the conversation and path towards getting my needs met. I think the same can be said for punishments.
It’s not surprising that I’m drawn to want to punish, given the culture I’ve grown up in. As a kid, I remember hearing choruses of “you’re going to get in trouble, you’re going to get in trouble” when someone accidentally broke something or made a mistake. Kids/teenagers commonly got detention or grounded for “bad” behaviour. Santa keeps a naughty list and you’re threatened with getting coal instead presents if you’re ”bad”. Many people believe that natural disasters are a punishment from God, as are illnesses and disabilities. Or that they must have been bad in a previous life to get their bad luck in this one. In Christianity, there is the constant cloud of going to hell if you aren’t a good enough person, and even for people who aren’t religious, the influence of Christianity is far-reaching in our culture. I’m not well versed in how other religions might emphasize punishment to mold behaviour, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a common tactic. People who are different are teased or bullied and while bullying is nominally condemned, in practice it is often encouraged against the most different as they are encouraged or forced to assimilate to the dominant culture to fit in.
Learning from mistakes is valuable; I’ve done some of my best learning that way. But the learning happens when I understand the consequences of the mistake I made. In a previous newsletter I described an attempt I made to barbecue pizza that didn’t go as planned. I got upset at myself and struggled between punishing myself for the mistakes I made and having compassion for myself. I was fortunate to have my parents there who were very compassionate to me and helped me talk through what happened and what I could change the next time I tried. I almost certainly would have given up and not tried again if I was punished instead of given compassion. Not only would I have stopped trying to make pizza, but I might also have stopped trying any new creative endeavour, culinary or otherwise. Thinking it through, I can’t get on board with punishments.
Today’s unfortunate example
Eventually I will write about more significant hurtful actions, but this isn’t going to be the week for it. I had planned on finishing this post on Sunday evening, after dinner and all the baseball games. But unfortunately, I had an MCAS crash yesterday afternoon and I’ve spent the past 24ish hours quite ill. Life with a chronic illness!
What’s interesting for this newsletter, is that I got angry with myself and my self-talk got very sarcastic, critical, and mean. But then I noticed how mean I was being - that I was punishing myself - and stopped to think about what I needed from myself instead. Was beating myself up emotionally helping me recover faster? That answer was a resounding “no”.
The reason I was upset with myself is because I had been chatting with a friend that morning and commented on how I had recently started sleeping a lot more, which I had attributed to my injured knee and back and my body needing extra rest. I was aware during that conversation that I was below my baseline. My mom and I walked to the park to forage some berries. My heart rate stayed elevated even though I slowed down so much. It also didn’t go down even when we stopped at the bush to forage, which was another red flag that I was not doing well and at risk of crashing. Finally, I ate a lot of the berries, a berry that is safe to eat, but new to me. I didn’t consider how my mast cells might respond to this new food, and I was not cautious about consuming them. That turned out to be a big mistake.
Once I realized I was having a negative reaction, I needed to focus my energy on preserving my energy and making sure I could breathe/noticed if it got to the point where breathing was really difficult and I needed medical attention. Even though I’ve written that everyone with MCAS should keep an EpiPen on hand, I still don’t have one. But scolding myself wasn’t going to make one appear. I took a couple of Benadryls, which helped significantly. I drank lots of tea and fluids. My breathing improved and I felt comfortable sleeping.
This morning I woke up angry with myself again, and again struggled with my emotions and how to give myself compassion. Thinking it through now, I figure there isn’t any point in pretending I’m not angry at myself. I am angry and frustrated. It sucks feeling this way. But, it’s also true that I’m new to understanding MCAS and learning takes practice. It’s been months since I’ve had a strong reaction to a food. Plus, it is HARD to rest from things I want to do. It’s understandable I would relax my vigilance, but since the risk of anaphylaxis is a real threat, I do need to take this experience as a learning opportunity so I can do a better job of protecting myself in the future.
The consequences of not being cautious, and not adjusting my behaviour when there were signs that my stressor bucket was quite full, are enough to motivate me to change. Bombarding myself with anger just postponed me planning for the future. When I think about why I want to change my behaviour in the future, it is to avoid the physical pain and misery I’ve experienced (and am still experiencing), not to avoid any punishment I might give myself.