Comfort vs safety
How can we find safety to sit in discomfort?
The article I want to publish still isn't ready, so I'm quickly going to write something else that I think is important to think about and may help me clarify my thoughts for the article I’m stuck on: the difference between safety and comfort.
I think it’s relatively common for people with power and privilege to believe that we aren’t in a place of safety when others point out our privilege. We aren’t likely to be physically attacked, or lose our jobs or status. Sometimes the privilege is brought to our attention in the gentlest way and we still act as if we’ve been attacked. I don't think our safety is in jeopardy, but I do believe our comfort is.
Learning that we have a lot of unlearning to do is often uncomfortable, especially if we base our identity on being a good person. It’s one of the reasons I suggest we don’t think of ourselves or others as good or bad. The shock can be too much to our system and cause us to deny any wrongdoing when faced with our wrongdoings.
On the other hand, often when a person has an anxiety disorder, others might perceive a situation they are in as uncomfortable, but for the person experiencing anxiety, I would argue they aren't in a position of safety. Panic attacks and flashbacks are more than uncomfortable; they are unsafe.
So how can we differentiate safety from discomfort?
According to Merriam Webster, safety is “the condition of being safe from undergoing or causing hurt, injury, or loss”
In contrast, their definition of discomfort is “mental or physical uneasiness”
In this case, I suppose one could argue that losing one's identity of being a good person does mean they aren't safe in those situations. But if that's the case, I will double down on the need to stop thinking of ourselves as good, because billions of people are living in environments of poverty, disease, violence, and homelessness, to name a few situations that cause hurt, injury, or loss. And the privileged have more power to pressure governments to bring about policies of equity and safety for all.
Similarly, I think our negative self-talk and beliefs that perfectionism is required to be good, and being good is required to be loved, puts us in danger with ourselves and stops us from trying new hobbies or experimenting with creativity. If every mistake calls forth a bully that hurts our self-worth, we absolutely need to give our bully a new job description so that we can feel safe within ourselves.
I wrote about turning my punisher into a protector and I’m pleased to say it has worked out really well. My punisher did want to keep me safe, which I appreciate. And now with an updated and clearer job description, they are doing just that. If you have an inner bully, maybe you also want to consider giving it a new job in your compassion department?
There is so much chaos happening in the world right now and I think we owe it to ourselves to become safe harbours for all parts of us. We owe ourselves the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. We owe ourselves the ability to love and respect ourselves, even when we feel guilty and especially when we feel shame. We owe ourselves safety. I believe this for me and I believe it for everyone.
I also want it for everyone, because we need to have uncomfortable conversations to move through the chaos. Do you have any suggestions for how to be a safe person for oneself?