This post describes a time when I was suicidal, so please take care of yourself if that is an upsetting topic for you. If you are feeling suicidal, please know that you aren’t as alone as you feel and I am grateful for your existence and for reading my newsletter. It isn’t always easy to get help, but you are worth it.
I’ve been thinking a lot this week about finding the balance between letting people live their lives as they wish and butting in to help. On the one hand, I have a guiding principle that says to respect the needs and boundaries of others, even if I don’t understand the purpose of the boundaries. On the other hand, I have a guiding principle to help those in need. Sometimes these principles conflict with each other in ways that make it hard to know what to do.
Example one
When I was in high school, I spent a year in Denmark as an exchange student. About 7 months in, I fainted in a bus station in front of dozens of people. When I came back to consciousness, I was very confused and looked around, bewildered at what had just happened and hoping someone would explain it to me. Everyone averted their eyes except for one person, who was deaf. This resulted in what I would now describe as a comic attempt at a conversation, but at the time it was particularly challenging as I had to write out my thoughts in Danish, with a brain that wasn’t at its best. The task was overwhelming for me and I initially just wanted to pretend I hadn’t fainted and didn’t need help, but this man insisted I get medical attention. I called my host mom, and the deaf man stayed with me until she arrived to pick me up. Even though part of me was embarrassed and wished he would go away and just let me be invisible, I was very grateful for his care and kindness. I am still grateful to him for seeing me and showing me that I was worth the disruption to his day and I was worth receiving medical attention. I wouldn’t have seen a doctor otherwise.
I was also hurt and disappointed that everyone else ignored me/us.
Example two
When I was in university, the September of what should have been my third year was quite bad. I was about 6 weeks away from entering an inpatient trauma program at the local psychiatric hospital and I was bouncing around on rock bottom. One weekend, my friends had a party where I proceeded to get very drunk and bought a pack of cigarettes, even though I wasn’t a smoker. After seeing me smoking, a friend took the rest of the pack from me and wouldn’t give them back after I repeatedly asked her to. I was furious. Our friendship didn’t officially end that day, but it was certainly the beginning of the end.
Example three
I was walking home when I heard a scream and sounds of violence from a house across the street. I didn’t feel safe to approach the house myself, so I called the police to report what I heard. After investigating, two officers came to see me at my house to ask a few follow-up questions. What they found were four male university students re-enacting a scene from The Lord of the Rings. I was mortified at my mistake, but they did tell me there was a woman they suspected was a victim of domestic violence who lived nearby, so they were grateful for a reason to check on her too.
Example four
Years later, I was once again extremely depressed and quite sincerely finished with life. I decided I would go to Toronto and end things Virgina Woolf style.
I sat crying at the beach, waiting for nightfall and everyone else to leave. I wondered what I had done wrong to deserve the life I had been given and why I couldn’t turn it into one worth living. There was a large group of people celebrating and I was immensely jealous of their happiness. A woman got up to find the bathroom and, on her way, noticed me crying. She immediately stopped, told me it was too nice a day to be sitting by myself crying, kissed the tears off my cheeks, and told me to wait for her. I was too shocked to move, and soon she was back, pulling me to her group and handing me a beer. I made up a story that I had been kicked out of my home by my now ex-boyfriend and trying to figure out what to do. They helped me book a hostel room for the night, and in the meantime, insisted I stay with them. I figured I might as well spend my last day on earth with them. Plus, it would help pass the time.
When night fell, their party moved to the home of someone who lived a short walk away. They told me to walk with them until we got to King Street and they would make sure I got on the right bus. But then the man who’s house they were going to said it would be safer for me to stick with them and crash at his place. He promised to be a gentleman and sleep in a different bed. At first, I turned him down, as in my mind I still had a date with the bottom of the lake, but I didn’t have it in me to argue when he insisted. He was true to his word and didn’t try anything sexual with me, even as we stayed up for hours talking about nothing and everything. He was distressed about the state of the world and worried he wasn’t doing enough to make it better.
When I woke in the morning, I decided I couldn’t give up on living after spending the night with someone so kind. He didn’t know me, but he saw me. He cared for me, and it was enough to give me hope for the future.
Discussion
In two of my examples, I told the other person I didn’t want their help, they pushed back on my refusal, and in the end I’m grateful they insisted they knew better.
In one example, I don’t know how the other people impacted by my attempt to help reacted. I’d like to think that the woman gained strength by learning that someone in her community cared enough to report suspected abuse and eventually she was able to leave an abusive environment. I hope the four men were reminded too that they lived in a neighbourhood where neighbours look out for each other.
In the final example, I’m still angry and hurt by what my friend did, if I’m honest. It’s interesting that this is the only example between friends, rather than strangers. Other than that, what is different about that situation, and what can I learn about respecting and pushing boundaries from these examples?
In the case of the cigarettes, I think my friend was trying to solve what she saw as a problem: her struggling friend was about to start a new habit that was not good for her. But for me, the smoking was just a symptom of the problem, and also a temporary solution. Living with trauma is awful and it doesn’t go away easily. I was on a waitlist for the trauma program, but what was I to do in the meantime? I needed a distraction from the heaviness of my pain and something that would make me feel good. The hit of nicotine and other chemicals from the cigarettes gave me both.
I was also desperate to gain control of my life. When my friend refused to give me back my cigarettes after I asked for them multiple times, I felt the echoes of all the times I had been violated in the past. I also wasn’t the only one smoking, but no one else had their cigarettes taken away. If she had a house rule of no smoking on the property, I would have respected that rule. But this was a situation where I was singled out and I felt belittled and powerless.
I don’t fault my former friend for trying to help me and I’m not going to argue that smoking cigarettes are healthy. But I will argue that they are healthier than some alternatives and that when people are experiencing pain and illness, the “rules” for healthy people don’t always apply.
The main difference between the examples though, is that I repeatedly told my friend to return my cigarettes and she didn’t. If I had told the man at the bus station repeatedly that I was fine to leave on my own and he still tried to stop me, I would be angry at him for not respecting my boundaries. If I had dug in my heels at the beach when the woman pulled me towards her friends, or had turned left at King St. rather than join them when they turned right, I expect they would have, rightly, let me go.
Re-writing the stolen cigarettes story
If I was the author of my life and I had editing abilities, well, I would make many changes! But if I could only rewrite the story of the cigarettes, and I had to keep it believable, I would have my friend tell me she was disappointed to see me smoking as she thought I knew better than to start a gross, cancer-causing habit. I would have said I agreed with her, but the head rush felt great, I wasn’t going to get addicted since I would only smoke them while drinking, and it wasn’t a big deal. She would reply by telling me that she didn’t want to have to clean up my puke from the combination of a lot of alcohol with a lot of smoking, so could she please take the rest of the cigarettes and hold onto them until the next party? I would roll my eyes, say fine, and give her the pack. She would take them and then move away from the smoke to talk with other friends.
The next day, or later in the week when we weren’t drunk or hungover, I would write a scene where she invited me over for tea and cookies. She would return my cigarettes, bring up her concern for me, and ask how she could help. I wouldn’t have had any answers for her as I didn’t know what I needed at that time. She would tell me she loved me and was here for me and I could always ask her for tea and cookies at the very least. That wouldn’t have solved all my problems; I needed extensive therapy to get better. But it would have helped me believe that I deserved the therapy, that I deserved happiness, that I deserved respect. I would throw out the cigarettes on my walk home.
It isn’t easy to watch others make mistakes and choices that harm their own health and safety. I think it’s important to try to intervene, especially if I have learned the lesson the hard way. This might be awkward and uncomfortable, and I risk facing anger from the other person, but I think it’s the right thing to do. I should be firm, but gentle, as I try to negotiate a boundary that will protect the other person. I’m also in favour of trying to persuade with emotional pleas - “if you won’t do it for yourself, do it for me” etc. But if they refuse repeatedly, I have to let them learn the lesson through experience, as painful as it will be for me.
I also then need to decide for myself, thinking about my own needs for safety and energy protection, what I can witness and how much I can help in the aftermath. What boundaries do I need to set to protect myself? Maybe I can tell them to come to me if they get hurt as I will understand their pain in a way others can’t. Maybe I must tell them it is too painful for me to watch them make their choices against my advice and I do not have the energy to be part of their life while they live this way. There’s a risk I also won’t have the energy to help them if things go poorly and they need my knowledge and understanding in the future, but if that turns out to be the case, I can’t feel guilty for the choices they made or feel responsible to make things right. I can only do what I can do with the limited resources I have.
Very interesting piece. I do think so many people do want to help if they can, but some are too scared of what other people think, or presume someone else will help. I can't not get involved if no one is helping.