Lessons from a cat

She knows her boundaries, but also needs gentle compassion to feel safe in her new home

[A variety of pictures of my new ragdoll cat, Seffi.]

I adopted a cat this week! Her name is Persephone, she does purr a lot, and her nickname is Seffi. I love her so much and still can't quite believe I am her human. She was surrendered to the shelter, along with her sister, (who was adopted a couple of weeks earlier) with the story that Seffi needed surgery to remove urinary stones that her previous humans couldn't afford. But when they x-rayed her for surgery, there were no stones to be found. They kept her at the shelter for about a month, switching her to a urinary diet, and monitoring her for urinary issues which never developed. My mom and I showed up at the shelter a couple of days before she was given clearance to be adopted. I sat in front of her cage and she came out for so many cuddles from me. It felt like we were meant to be together.

It's interesting adopting a cat as an autistic person with PTSD. I had to fill out an application with questions that presumably are meant to make sure any adopter will respect the cat's trauma from moving to a new home, as well as the cat's sensory needs. I was given handouts with information on how to deal with “problem behaviour”. If a cat swats, hisses, bites etc when touched, their human is to understand this as a strong boundary and stop touching the cat. We're told not to get angry at the cat and not to continue petting the cat where it doesn't like to be pet to try to teach the cat to like it. They don't like it and we're the ones who must adapt!

That was common sense for me and probably common sense for many people. But, it isn't common sense for adults who try to change autistics kids through applied behaviour analysis (ABA). An unfun fact about ABA: did you know it was created by the same man, using the same ideas as conversion therapy? Thank goodness it is (mostly) considered shameful to try to force LGBTQ+ people to change our sexualities. I'm looking forward to the day when autistics are accepted too, with our different needs accommodated rather than viewed as something we need to change to make others more comfortable.

So far, Seffi really seeks out physical touch from me and she moves her head and body around so that I give her pets and scratches exactly where she wants them. I'm lucky that she doesn't enforce her boundaries with bites or scratches of her own, but she does glare at me when I'm petting her wrong! And then moves position to show me where my hand should be, or gently holds onto my hand if I pull away. She knows what she likes and, with me anyway, isn't afraid to ask for it. It's a good lesson for me to learn.

Seffi now lives in a big house. I don't know what her first home was like, but it was certainly a big adjustment to go from her shelter cage to a large house with 12 rooms (including bathrooms) for her to explore and feel safe in. She was extremely skittish at the beginning, but braved going from bedroom to bedroom. She frequently came to me for a sniff and a head scratch, and then ran off to explore some more. The main floor was way too scary on day one, so I brought her food upstairs. She quickly learned I was a safe human she could snuggle beside and someone who would help her feel safe as she explored the main floor. I didn't push her to face her fears before she was ready and as annoying as it sometimes was, I came downstairs with her everytime she indicated that's where she wanted to go. I sat with her in the upstairs hallway so she could be vigilant to every sound and peer down the stairs at my parents from a safe distance. I sat beside her food so she felt safe enough to eat. I sat beside her water fountain and played with the water to show her it was safe to drink from. When she was startled by a noise and ran away, I didn't approach her, but instead knelt down and invited her to come over for a comforting pet and told her she was safe.

Much faster than I expected, she has grown in confidence in her new home. As you can see in the above pictures, she is very happy to sleep on me now. She no longer needs me to accompany her downstairs. I can pick her up. She'll sit on my mom's lap and ask for food from my mom and dad. She doesn't nap under a bed, but has taken over my bed whenever she wants. The first night she slept near my head to start, before spending most of the night somewhere else. The next night I both fell asleep and woke up with her on my bed. Now she sleeps on top of me, like an extra weighted blanket. I'm so happy.

It won't be a surprise to anyone who knows me or has read this newsletter for any amount of time that I do not feel entirely safe or comfortable in this world. Mostly for good reasons - I do believe the vast majority of my fears are rational and help keep me alive, healthy, and happy. But it is a good reminder from Seffi that the best - and fastest - way to expand my sense of safety is to build on my foundation with small steps, ideally with someone I can trust. Anyone who wants to drag/push/carry/pull me past my limits before I'm ready isn't giving me the compassion I deserve, or need, to flourish.