Analyzing the context of wanting an apology

Looking back on a sad experience

Now it’s time to put the various pieces together. I’ve listened to the language of my body to help me figure out my needs and boundaries. I’ve considered the differences between shame and guilt and when they are/aren’t appropriate. And I’ve considered what the words “I’m sorry” can mean. So, what do I do when I’m hurt and I want an apology?

A pretty flower to cheer me up because I’m sad from writing this post.

Context to consider when I want an apology

• What kind of relationship do I have with the person?

  • Are they important to me?

  • Are they a safe person, even when they are angry?

  • Do they care about me and respect me?

  • Is there a power imbalance between us?

  • Have we discussed our needs and boundaries with each other?

• How healthy is the other person?

  • Are they dysregulated?

  • Are they in burnout?

  • Are they in pain – chronic or acute?

  • Do they have a history of trauma?

  • Have they learned about boundaries and the difference between needs and wants?

• How healthy am I?

  • Am I dysregulated?

  • Am I in burnout?

  • Am I in pain – chronic or acute?

  • How might my history of trauma be impacting my feelings?

• Our location

  • Would it be better to wait for a more private location to have this discussion?

• Why am I upset?

  • How much is because of this particular event?

  • How much is because of ongoing boundary crossing from this person?

  • How much is because of other needs not being met?

Depending on the answers to the above questions, there are various actions I might take. For example, I might decide that asking for an apology from this person isn’t worth the effort and stick to reminding myself that I deserve dignity and respect, which this person can’t give me. I might decide that the person didn’t do anything wrong because their actions came from their disability and were taken to protect their needs, not to disrespect mine. I might decide that it is important to have a longer conversation about needs and boundaries because this person is important to me, and I want us to be on the same page.

It’s important to consider the context.

An imagined boundary crossing/apology situation

Partner: Let’s go see a movie after work. [New release] opens tonight.

Me: No, I really don’t have the energy to go out tonight, I’d rather stay in.

Partner: Oh, come on, it’s just sitting for a couple of hours! And I really want to see it before the ending is spoiled for me.  And lately you never want to go out with me – you owe me a date night.

Boundaries crossed

• Does not accept my no

• Does not believe my experience of fatigue

• Tries to make me feel shame

How to respond

There are various options, some of which might be combined:

1. Say nothing about their disrespect to me and decide to go to the movie. This could lead to meltdowns, burnout, and a ruined weekend.¹  

2. Tell my partner that they have crossed a line(boundary), and they need to respect my decision.

3. Apologize for not wanting to go but be firm in not going without guilt.

4. Remind them of my need for rest and ask if they really need to see the movie that night. If it is a need for them, suggest they go with a friend or alone. If they don’t need to go that night, consider if our schedule can be arranged to go on Saturday or Sunday.

5. Ask if my partner feels like we need to spend more time together for our relationship to survive. If yes, discuss ways to make this happen, while also respecting our individual needs.

The above example didn’t happen to me. But arguably what my ex did was worse because he stopped asking me if I wanted to do fun stuff with him, stopped thinking of me as a person capable of having fun with, and didn’t think it was worth having difficult conversations to try to save our relationship.

A real boundary crossing/apology situation

A few months before he ended our relationship, while out waiting for a friend he was going to a concert with – his third concert of the week!² – he messaged me a link to an event that he was planning to attend. Normally he wouldn’t have bothered to tell me in advance, but this was an event that involved nudity so I suppose he thought he should check in with me first, knowing on some level there was a good chance I would be upset by his desire to go to that particular event.

This was the week I started getting full body hives and I was miserable and insecure. Getting this message while I was alone at home felt awful. I messaged him to ask if he wanted to go without me and he told me he had asked two other friends to go with him, cementing the rejection I felt. I don’t do well with surprises at the best of times, and this was among my worst of times. I went into a meltdown so quickly. I could barely breathe I was crying so much. I messaged to tell him he must not know me at all to think that telling me this without him there was appropriate. I said I would not stop him from going, but that he was not allowed to use any of my craft supplies to make the necessary costume for entry. He called me right away, but I literally could not talk.

Later in the evening I messaged him to apologize for getting upset(!) and said I would have preferred if he had told me he wanted to go in person so we could discuss it and he could reassure me of his love and attraction to me³. He said he was sorry and didn’t think I would get upset and didn’t mean to upset me. But also, why did I have to be so insecure? I reminded him that I am literally insecure as the government considers me only as part of a partnership with him, not as an induvial who deserves financial aid while sick. In the end we, temporarily patched things up and he did not go to the event.

If I consider my contextual questions above, this is what I come up with:

What kind of relationship do I have with the person?

Are they important to me?

He was the most important person to me.

Are they a safe person, even when they are angry?

He was safe, except for when he brought up the “you’re insecure” card when I stood up for myself.

Do they care about me and respect me?

He did care about me, but I don’t think he ever had high respect for me.

Is there a power imbalance between us?

Yes. I was completely financially dependent on him.

Have we discussed our needs and boundaries with each other?

Not explicitly.

How healthy is the other person?

Are they dysregulated?

I didn’t think he was at the time, but since he kept the majority of his thoughts and feelings to himself, he could have been. His sleep had been disrupted by going out so much that week.

Are they in burnout?

I think he was. He hadn’t dealt with his grief of losing his mom and being my primary caretaker was taking a toll on him.

Are they in pain – chronic or acute?

I don’t think he was dealing with physical pin.

Do they have a history of trauma?

He considered his previous divorce traumatic. I (now) think he is also neurodivergent and has complex trauma from his family not accepting him fully for who he is, which he internalized as meaning he must not let anyone truly see him as himself.

Have they learned about boundaries and the difference between needs and wants?

Maybe in bits and pieces, but he was not good at enforcing his own boundaries.

How healthy am I?

Am I dysregulated?

I was so dysregulated.

Am I in burnout?

I was very much in burnout.

Am I in pain – chronic or acute?

I had so much acute and chronic pain.

How might my history of trauma be impacting my feelings?

My own trauma definitely impacted how much fear I felt about him going to that event.

Our location

Would it be better to wait for a more private location to have this discussion?

I do wish I had waited for him to come home before replying, but ultimately, I wish more that he had told me in person rather than messaging me.

Why am I upset?

How much is because of ongoing boundary crossing from this person?

I didn’t fully recognize it at the time, but this example of him not respecting me was just one link of a very long chain of disrespect.

How much is because of this particular event?

It’s hard to imagine if this had happened in an otherwise respectful relationship, but I think it warranted me being upset.

How much is because of other needs not being met?

At that point in time, most of my friends and acquaintances had abandoned me due to my long COVID. I was struggling with my own internalized ableism and wondering how important I was to a world that largely didn’t care about me. I had put too much importance in the love and respect from my partner for my self-worth and when did things like this that showed he no longer loved me as he once had, it devastated me.

I’m still sad when I think about this experience. What really sticks out to me is that he used “I’m sorry” to avoid conflict. Maybe he felt some guilt due to my distress, but he certainly didn’t want any responsibility for it. He didn’t acknowledge my pain. He was annoyed at my reaction and probably thought I was trying to control him (based on other conversations we had). But explaining the consequences of one’s actions isn’t control. He still could have made the decision to go, he just would have had to deal with that discomfort he felt from knowing his choice upset me.

We are no longer in a relationship or even friends or friendly with one another, so there is nothing to salvage. I have a large degree of compassion for him, because he was, and probably still is, dealing with a lot of stress and personal shame.⁴ I truly wish him the best in learning to love himself and taking care of his own needs. But I don’t accept that I deserved so much of his behaviour because I was insecure. I hope he feels guilt and shame for the ways he believed he was better than me (and most of his friends and family) so that he is spurred to find his own self-compassion without the need to feel superior to others.

But what about the relationship I have with myself? I’m grateful to have this example to look back on as proof that even when I questioned my own value, I did subconsciously know I was worth respect from my partner. I wouldn’t have gotten so upset otherwise, right? I have so much empathy for that version of me who was living a hellish nightmare. It’s hard to believe I will find another romantic relationship in the future, although I am hopeful. I do know that I will keep my need for respect as a hard boundary. No future relationship is worth being made to feel inferior.

1. This might be the best option if your partner becomes violent when they don’t get what they want, combined with the ultimate goal of figuring out a way to leave the relationship

2. I bring this up because his life was so full of fun and adventures that I don’t think he appreciated

3. He would not have been able to reassure me of this things since he no longer felt that way about me

4. My opinion