Last week I wrote about the importance of figuring out if I’m feeling shame or guilt when I apologize. And if I do feel shame or guilt, I want to figure out if these feelings are reasonable or not.
Guilt vs shame
As I understand it, guilt is something I feel because of my behaviour, while shame is feeling bad about myself. So, I feel bad because I screwed up vs I am bad because I screwed up. Feeling guilty about making a mistake does not mean I should feel shame about myself. Mistakes are part of living. I deserve dignity, respect, love, and compassion, even when I screw up. I made a mistake, but I am not a mistake. I can apologize for my actions without apologizing for my existence.
Can shame ever be good?
This might be controversial, and I might have my terminology wrong, but I feel a certain amount of shame about myself that I find freeing. I feel shame because I am part of a culture that disrespects, and takes away the dignity from, entire groups of people. For example, I still have a lot of internalized ableist beliefs. I am not doing everything I can to combat climate change. I could spend more time advocating for the end of wars and genocides. I’m not on the phone everyday calling my representatives to ask for HVAC systems to be updated in all schools, hospitals, and other public buildings to protect our health. I frequently use Amazon. I’m not always grateful for everything I do have, even though I would guess that a significant percentage of the global population would switch spots with me in a heartbeat. I would bet there are plenty of people out there who abstractly think I’m a bad person due to the privilege I have. And I’ve concluded that on some level they are correct. I am a disappointment to them and I can’t deny that! I want to be better too!
I also can’t let the massive problems of the world consume me. I am but one person who wishes they could do more. Part of the purpose of grappling with apologies and writing this newsletter is so that I can get to a place where I have the capacity to do more to make the world a better place.
So, for me, this shame is good. It lets me say to myself, “yes, in many cases, I am part of the problem. But I want to be part of the solution, so what can I do?” As long as I keep it focused on the specific ways I benefit from and contribute to society’s problematic structures, without generalizing the shame to my entire personhood, it keeps me from being paralyzed in the face of so much world pain so that I can do something. I’m never going to be enough for every person in the world and while I don’t like that truth, I have come to accept it. A key part of this is that I can also rattle off a list of ways I’m a good person and many things I like about myself. I also believe there are individuals1 and corporations who are far more responsible than me, so I’m not taking on more guilt and shame than my share. But it’s not a question of if I am good or bad. I’m both good and bad.2
Unwarranted guilt and shame
On the other hand, so many of us, me included, are socialized to feel guilty for everything that goes wrong around us. If I am late because my train got caught behind a traffic accident, it’s my fault for not leaving earlier. If I am expected to do the job of two people and fall behind on replying to emails, it is my fault for not being more efficient. I feel guilty for things that are not my fault, and I think my constant guilty apologizing sends me – and others! – the message that I don’t deserve to have my needs met.
Many of us also belong to groups/demographics that have been deemed unworthy and less than by our culture. We may get messaging every day that we should feel shame for who we are. The Government of Canada has created a Wheel of Privilege and Power that gives examples of who might be overtly and covertly bullied in Canada to feel shame3. The less privilege we have, the more likely we are to experience outside forces trying to make us feel shame, which we often internalize. Plus, there is so much marketing that tries to convince all of us, even the most privileged, that there is something wrong with us that their product or service will fix.
This is the opposite of the good shame I wrote about above. I don’t deserve the shame that is put on me by society and the government for being disabled and unable to work and I will push back on that shame. But if an Indigenous person wants to shame me for the advantages I have as a white woman? I will take that on. Their anger is more important than my comfort and I can’t see how we make the world a more inclusive place without the people who already have (some) power and privilege accepting their own guilt and shame, while still maintaining self-compassion.
To Recap
I am really trying to put in the time and effort to identify why I feel guilt and/or shame at any particular moment. It is some of the most powerful work I am doing.
Do I feel guilty for something that is outside of my control, like taking a nap due to long COVID energy depletion? If yes, how can I refuse that guilt and give myself compassion instead?
Do I feel shame because of the areas I’m on the outside of the Wheel of Privilege and Power, like being poor and relying on the charity of my parents? If yes, how can I stop listening to societal messaging that is trying to keep me small and give myself compassion instead?
Do I feel guilty because I made a mistake and caused someone else pain? If yes, how can I take steps to make sure I don’t make the same mistake again? How can I acknowledge the pain I caused?
Do I feel shame because I’m part of a society and culture that oppresses groups of people? If yes, how can I use my privilege for good, without burning out?
Do I feel guilty because my boundaries, needs, and priorities don’t line up with someone else’s and they want me to do something that I don’t prioritize? That will be the focus of next week.
What do you think? Is there a place for healthy shame within us? Is there better terminology to use? Are there others who also struggle with figuring out when it makes sense to feel guilt and when it doesn’t? Does acknowledging guilt (and shame?) that you deserve feel overwhelming and do you have any tips for how to deal with it? I’m interested to know what others think! Once I establish the groundwork for my thinking on apologies, I plan to share more examples with more details about the nitty gritty of how I apologize and how I offer forgiveness.
Billionaires and politicians
I’ve recently learned a fact about self-esteem that relates to this concept which I will write about soon. I’m really excited about this added information I have, so stay tuned!
The wheel isn’t perfect, but as they say, it is a starting point. Off the top of my head, I would add body size, age, and employment status to it.