Why do I want an apology?
Thinking about needs and boundaries
The last few weeks focused on figuring out what apologies are and figuring out when I should apologize. Now I’m going to move to the other side of the apology equation.
After realizing I didn’t need to apologize/feel guilty for my disabled behaviour, I really grappled with figuring out when I deserved them. What if the other person’s behaviour was due to a disability or their own overwhelming circumstances?
I thought about why I wanted apologies. Why was I hurt and angry? What specifically was the issue? Through learning about my needs as a disabled person, and months of deliberation, I came to the conclusion that I want an apology when one of my boundaries has been crossed.
What are boundaries?
From my perspective, boundaries are limits I create to protect my needs. They change based on context. If I think about a fantasy life I might have, the boundaries I create for who can touch me would vary by person, place, and time. For example, I imagine I would allow my kids to hug me at any time, in any place. I would be happy for my spouse to hug me at home and might have a boundary that they can’t hug me at work. Anyone else hugging me without consent would be unacceptable, which is a boundary I have in my real life.
Boundaries are often morally neutral. I may decide that outdoor shoes are not allowed inside my home for sensory purposes, to cut down on the amount of cleaning required, to show respect, or any other reason I choose. That doesn’t mean that someone who allows people to wear outdoor shoes inside is wrong or a bad person.1
There are also boundaries that are human rights that everyone is entitled to, such as the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, and I do believe it is morally wrong to deny anyone these rights.
How do I know what my needs are?
If boundaries protect my needs, then I need to figure out what my needs are. They are different than wants and it can take some time to differentiate between the two categories. In making my list, I considered what I need to thrive, not just survive. What do I need to get out of burnout and stay out of burnout? Wants make life more enjoyable and we desire these things/experiences, but they aren’t essential. I’m grateful for my autistic coach, Matthew, who provided us with a large list of needs created by former group members. I used this list to whittle down my essentials.
Some examples from my list:
Clean air and water
Sleep
Rest
Purpose
Self-acceptance
Hope
Creativity
Respect
Low volume and/or the ability to control the volume of the sounds I hear
When my needs aren’t met, my boundaries are being crossed. When this happens once, I am probably going to get annoyed, irritated, or angry. (I was more likely to get angry rather than annoyed before I knew what my needs and boundaries were). When this happens continuously, I am more likely to become dysregulated, have meltdowns, and go into burnout. It’s been important to think about how I can create boundaries to protect my needs!
How do I create boundaries?
I looked at my list of needs and went through it item by item, thinking about what must happen for that need to be met.
One example from my list is rest. I think this was always a need of mine, but long COVID has made it essential. When I push past my energy limits, I go into a crash - I can’t regulate my temperature properly, I get migraines, I can’t think easily, my heart rate increases even when lying down. I’m barely functional and I need to sleep at this point. If I catch a crash early enough, I can sleep and recover within a couple of days. If I don’t, I have so much joint, nerve, and muscle pain plus a wired energy that makes it impossible to sleep until that energy dissipates. This kind of crash takes a week or so to recover from. Making sure I rest enough to keep my battery charged has become essential for me. Here are some ways I meet this need:
Alternate physically demanding tasks with mentally demanding tasks
Schedule a nap for every afternoon. If it isn’t required on any given day, I now have bonus time for myself
Change my thinking to prioritize rest as an essential and valuable component in my life
Have a list of comfort reads/watches/games/activities handy that I can pick from when I’m feeling dysregulated and need to reboot my brain
Change my thinking so that I’m proud of myself for choosing to rest, whether it is literally sleeping or doing a comfort activity
Take breaks where I close my eyes, as I’ve learned that processing visual information is very energy intensive
Why do I get upset with other people’s boundaries?
I am embarrassed to say that I have plenty of examples from my past where I did not like when someone else upheld a boundary. One example is from a time I fell asleep at the apartment of someone I was dating. He wasn’t comfortable with me sleeping over and if I remember correctly, he didn’t want to tell me, but was very obviously agitated. I took it very personally and I was angry and hurt as I gathered my things to go home. That was the end to our relationship. I felt superior to him, without feeling much compassion for him and I regret that.
I think our culture teaches us, or at least some of us, that we do not deserve to have boundaries and that our needs aren’t important. I internalized that message in many ways. When I have interacted with others who do respect their needs, it sometimes felt wrong to me. Why were they allowed to say no when I wasn’t allowed to? Obviously, the other person deserves to enforce their boundaries. Now I try to be grateful to others who have strong boundaries for setting a good example, even if I’m kept outside of their boundary.
Sometimes the boundaries that other people have feel like rejection. Sometimes it is rejection. Rejection hurts! It’s okay for me to feel hurt and upset. It is also okay for the other person to prioritize their needs over mine. This gives me another opportunity to work on self-compassion.
Communicating Boundaries
This is something that still isn’t comfortable for me in many cases, but if I don’t communicate my boundaries, they are more likely to be crossed by people who don’t share them.
This past weekend I was accused of being “cold” in the way I communicated a boundary. I am often blunt, and I certainly was in this case. But I was reminded that I’m not responsible for what others feel. If my need for safety is upsetting to someone else, even someone I love, I have to be okay with that because I’m not going to bend my need for safety just because someone else doesn’t prioritize it.
Another issue is that boundaries shift with time and place, so even though something was okay at one point, doesn’t mean that it will always be okay. This is why continual, enthusiastic consent is the standard in healthy sexual relationships. It is okay for someone to change their mind about what they are comfortable with. This is true for sex and any number of behaviours. If someone says no to an alcoholic drink? That’s a boundary to be respect. If someone declines a second serving of food? Also a boundary to respect.
When needs and boundaries conflict
Part of living with others means that occasionally (or frequently) our needs will conflict. This is one reason why I think it’s important to understand our needs and to be able to differentiate needs from wants. It was easy for me to build up resentment before I began thinking this through.
Here’s an example: I am sensitive to sounds and listening to music, television, or someone speaking at a high volume hurts my ears and my nervous system. I need it to be quieter. My parents need louder volumes than I am comfortable with most of the time. Both are valid needs! So how do we resolve this problem without getting angry? My sensitivity changes throughout the day and week. When I notice I’m having a harder time, I wear noise cancelling headphones or loop earplugs. They will ask me if the volume is too loud or if I am okay to turn up the volume. When I’m in a crash and doing quite poorly, we will turn off the music or tv when having conversations so that I’m able to participate. As far as I know, they aren’t offended by me wearing headphones because they know I am taking care of my needs. I am not offended when they turn up the volume because I know they are taking care of their needs; they are not intending to hurt me. We adjust our behaviours to make it work.
When boundaries aren’t respected
So, what can I do if someone won’t respect a boundary? That’s when I need to evaluate the relationship and decide if the hard work of asking for and receiving good apologies is worth the effort, or if it is a relationship that is better off ending. I’ll write more about my interpretation of good apologies in a future newsletter.
For the record, in our house, we are typically okay with wearing outdoor shoes inside, unless they are wet.