I need to write an apology after last week’s post. I wrote about a time when I was suicidal and didn’t give a content warning at the beginning, which is not the standard I want to keep. People have different thoughts about content warnings and it’s possible you don’t think I need to apologize and that’s fine too! I personally like to be forewarned about content that might be upsetting or trigger a traumatic response so that I can decide if it’s the right time for me to read it or not. I’m sorry I didn’t give you that opportunity last week.
This week I’m going to write out my process for figuring out how to apologize without falling into shame, using this situation as my example.
No one actually complained to me about the missing content warning, so it’s possible no one except me is upset with me about it. But, it’s also possible some of you were upset and didn’t tell me, which is understandable. In either case, I did something that goes against my standards, and I want to assure you (and me) that I’m taking steps to ensure it (hopefully) won’t happen again.
Situation that requires an apology
I wrote about a time I was feeling suicidal without warning my readers.
I have previously given content warnings and created an expectation they will be present for sensitive topics.
The boundaries I crossed/needs that were unmet
Readers’ sense of safety and ability to decide when/if they want to read something potentially upsetting.
What the other person/people felt because of my actions
Startled, anxious, annoyed, sad.
Why I did what I did
I had procrastinated with writing during the week and wrote/edited everything on Monday. I wanted to watch the Blue Jays – Red Sox Danny Jansen game that started at 2:00 PM, so I wrote quickly and did a quick skim over rather than take my time and be more thoughtful like I usually do.
I procrastinated with writing because I was experimenting with reducing some supplements I take since I have been feeling better. Unfortunately, the one I reduced last week turns out to be important for my energy levels and mood. While I was not taking it, everything was more challenging and I quite literally did not have the mitochondrial power to sit up, think, and write.
How can I regain trust?
Apologize.
Express that I understand how upsetting it was to be caught off guard with that topic.
Promise to write content warnings for future posts. Add a line to my About page saying that sensitive topics are frequently discussed in my newsletters so future potential readers can prepare themselves.
Edit the post so that anyone reading it on Substack will be properly warned.
Forgiving myself. Do I have any unwarranted guilt and/or shame?
It feels bad to have made this mistake, especially as it is something I look for in other writers. As much as it sucks to feel this guilt, I am grateful for it as it tells me that I have compassion for my readers and I want to do better going forward. This guilt is helpful.
It’s understandable that I made this mistake, given that I was tinkering with my brain chemistry and my brain was not as healthy as it has been in recent weeks. I will try not to feel shame about myself for making a mistake and for having a brain that needs medication and supplements. This shame makes things worse and it is in my best interest to let it go.
The baseball game was historical – literally the first time a player had played for two teams during one game. Baseball gives me joy and this game in particular gave me so much joy, so it is understandable that I didn’t want to miss it. It’s good that I prioritize the ways I can find joy in my life. I don’t need to feel guilty for seeking joy, but the guilt I feel from neglecting my duty to create a safe space in this newsletter for my readers because I rushed towards the joy from the baseball game is warranted. I can communicate better and adjust my schedule to both write thoughtfully and live joyfully.
I am not perfect and part of being human means screwing up. This situation has proven that I am human. Humans, including me, deserve compassion when we make mistakes, so I am going to give myself compassion and forgiveness instead of being incapacitated by guilt and shame.
What I will do differently if the situation comes up again
I typically send out my newsletters around noon on Mondays, but that isn’t a hard rule. The world will still exist if I send it in the evening, a day late, and even if I skip a week. The routine is good for me, but if I am not up to writing and editing a newsletter to be delivered at that time for any reason, I will wait until I have properly edited it before hitting send to ensure it isn’t rushed and missing anything.
I will make a weekly reminder in my phone for Monday mornings at 10:30 AM that says, “Do I need to add a content warning for my newsletter this week?”
My apology
Dear Readers,
I am very sorry that I did not give you a proper content warning last week. I imagine the description of suicidal thoughts was jarring for some, if not all, of you and may have brought up memories or feelings that you weren’t prepared to deal with unexpectedly. I wish I could go back in time to before I hit send so I could add a warning at the top of that newsletter. I want to give you the ability to decide in advance if you want to continue reading at that time, come back to it when you are more settled, or skip it altogether. While I write about difficult topics frequently, my hope, and goal, is to create a safe environment for uncomfortable feelings and last week I failed at that. I’m sorry.
As you can see from the photo above, I have created a reminder in my phone to help me remember to consider the content of my post before publishing. I will take the time to decide if a content warning is required, so hopefully this won’t happen again. It is a subjective decision with different people having different triggers, so please let me know if there are any other topics you would like to have a warning for so that I can make this a safe newsletter for you to read. Unfortunately, I can’t update the emails that were already sent out, but I have updated last week’s post on the Substack website. I have also added a general disclaimer to my About page on Substack so future readers can better decide if they want to read my newsletter, knowing it will frequently involve reading about tough subjects. I hope these actions show you this is an issue I take seriously and are enough to grant me a second chance to earn your trust.
Part of my explanation for why I forgot to add it last week is because I have been experimenting with adjusting my supplements and medications, which unfortunately increased my brain fog last week. My health will likely include further setbacks, as the dance of life often includes two steps forward and one step back. Life with a chronic illness often means the dance has one step forward and two steps back. I hope future health setbacks won’t disrupt me publishing this newsletter, but if they do, I hope you will understand. In the future, I will choose to delay publishing until I have the time and ability to thoroughly edit the newsletter to ensure the quality is up to my standard (although I’m sure I will still miss occasional typos).
Please let me know if there is anything else you want me to know and/or do. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Gratefully yours,
Kate
What do you think about this process for apologizing? I think it would work better if the people involved could discuss the situation together to make sure all the needs and boundaries were addressed. If I was apologizing directly to someone, I wouldn’t say “I imagine you are feeling xyz” because I would know what they felt.
I’d love any suggestions you might have on how to improve this apologizing process.