Expanding on community and interdependence
How can I make friends when I'm afraid of people?
Last week I wrote about my process to take part in my neighbourhood community.
I haven’t finished delivering all my letters, but I’ve already had positive responses and made a meaningful connection! I’m so glad I found the courage, and overcame my initial discomfort, to reach out.
Last winter when I was looking for affirmations to repeat in my journal, I came across one that stopped me in my tracks because it felt so…wrong. The words were: I love myself. I love all others. I am infinitely loved. I was deep in my anger and shame era and could not relate to it at all. I said the words out loud to myself: “I love myself”. I don’t know, do I? I want to. I wish I did. Maybe I can write it out with the hope that one day I will. Then: “I love all others”. God no. I’m closer to hating all others, if I’m honest. But could I love all others? I don’t know. It might be nice to be filled with love rather than filled with hate. But how could I ever forgive some of the people I’ve encountered, never mind love them, ugh. Finally, : “I am infinitely loved”. Hmm. After various twists and turns in my spiritual understanding, I do believe there’s an energy that infinitely loves me, so I will accept that one as is.
Although I was skeptical, I wrote them out diligently every day, repeating them 3 – 7 times, depending on how I felt. It was often hard to overcome my resistance, but with each repetition it was like a spiritual gunk oozed out of me onto the page. I didn’t want that hate consuming me, but I still wasn’t convinced I could love all others. I mean, everybody? Literally everybody?????
The community I have with myself
Around this time, I was told about Internal Family Systems for the first time. I still haven’t read the book and certainly haven’t participated in this kind of therapy, but it immediately made sense to me1. I’m constantly arguing, debating, pleading, and talking with myself, so it makes sense to officially recognize these different parts of me and appreciate how they are all working in their own way to keep us safe. In my Self-Compassion group, we often talk about this idea of having a higher self that is capable of giving love and a smaller self that needs to receive love.2 Putting this all together, I realized this is how I can love all others: I can send love to everyone from one part of me, while simultaneously rejecting those who don’t respect me or my needs. It makes sense that I can love and hate someone at the same time.
I bring this up because part of me is still resisting my efforts to expand my communities. After the shocking end of my last relationship, a family member told me, “You can’t trust anyone, so you’ll have to rely only on yourself going forward”. Let me tell you: my different parts have been in a prolonged stalemate over this statement. The part of me that agrees with it fills my thoughts with worst case scenarios and spikes my heart rate more often than I’d like, even when I’m participating in my much-loved online communities.
Because I monitor my heart rate, I know that when I speak during Zoom calls, my heart rate spikes. My worst example happened during a baseball call when I gave my (sympathetic) opinion on the player Marcus Stroman. I was sitting in a chair with my feet elevated. Typically in this position, my heart rate will be between 80 and 90 bpm. But when I looked at my watch, it was at 160 bpm and I was literally shaking.3 And this was with a small group of people who are so kind and supportive! I couldn’t understand what the problem was and my frustration with myself only made the situation worse. But, when I think about my history of being a woman with opinions, and especially an autistic4 woman with sports opinions, I can see why one part of me wanted to protect the rest of me by putting me into a panic in an attempt to keep me quiet. In the case of the Stroman discussion, I was thanked for bringing up my point and experienced no danger from the group, as one would rationally expect, given the rules of the group. This was a nice piece of evidence for my overprotective part to show she can loosen her grip. And even if I had received push back on my opinions, I was with safe people. Disagreements don’t equal abuse.
I later mentioned the heart rate spikes I experience in a chat with a different group. I have so much gratitude for these people for being receptive to hearing that I experienced similar panic and heart rate spikes when speaking with them. As far as I can tell, they didn’t take it personally and wholeheartedly accepted me. What a relief! And then a funny thing happened: the heart rate spikes stopped happening in all my groups. It seems that explaining this fear out loud calmed that part of me, which was a wonderful discovery. The part of me who wants to protect me by keeping me in fear is starting to concede that she doesn’t need to lead my actions and can be more discerning in deciding when a situation is dangerous.
Ultimately, the second part of the statement from my family member - that I’ll have to rely only on myself going forward - is factually incorrect on a fundamental level. I rely on thousands of people every day and I must trust in them and their abilities. In an effort to further calm the overprotective part of myself, I am going to list a small percentage of the people I rely on and for whom I am grateful, whether or not I like them.
Our interconnectedness
As I sit here writing this, I am grateful for all the people involved in designing and making my computer, my keyboard, and my mouse. This includes those who were indirectly involved – the company cleaners, accountants, customer service reps, etc. The same goes for my chair, computer stand, speakers, power bar, desk lamp, and cell phone. Plus, my clothes, my watch, and my glasses. In no way could I ever hope to have the time and ability to make all of these things myself. I’m grateful for my optometrist who looked into my eyes and made the correct diagnosis. I’m grateful for all of the teachers my optometrist had and the staff at her university(ies) who made her education possible. Even if I had the time and proper education, I could never look into my eyes to see how they look and react to stimulus.
Today was my day to make dinner – I can currently handle one day per week with my energy limitations.5 I’m grateful for the creator of the heart rate monitoring app I use so that I know when to take a break to prevent an energy and health crash. I’m grateful for the farmers who grew the onions, garlic6, mushrooms, and wheat, plus everyone involved in the creation of the rest of the ingredients. I’m grateful for everyone involved in packaging and distributing the ingredients to the stores. I’m grateful for my parents who bought them. The same goes for everyone involved in the production and sale of the tools I used – the cutting board, the knife, the food processor, the pots, the tongs, and the spatula. I’m grateful for my town councillors who voted to collect our garbage, recycling, and compost and maintain our roads, among other services. I’m grateful for the people who do the collecting and maintenance work. I’m grateful for everyone in the town who pays taxes to fund these services. I certainly don’t like everyone who lives in this town, but I do need them and I’m grateful they are here.
It's now time for me to take my nighttime pills. I’m grateful for everyone involved in their creation. I’m grateful for my doctors who prescribed the medications.7 I’m grateful for the other patients and biochemists who have shared their knowledge to help me decide which supplements might help me. I must give a special debt of gratitude to Josh who suggested I try taking taurine when I had hives that did not react to any of the various medications I was prescribed. He probably saved my life and certainly set me on a path towards great improvements.
I just took a deep breath, using my diaphragm without the help of my neck and shoulder muscles. Not too long ago, my breathing was a mess – I was constantly holding my breath as if I had forgotten how to breathe, followed by gasping for air. I’m grateful for Tracy and her team8 – particularly her PT Julie – who has taught me how to re-engage with my diaphragm so that I unconsciously use it properly now. I very rarely find myself gasping for air anymore. I’ve also learned how to use my cervical flexors, which has reduced my neck and shoulder pain. This week I graduated to the advanced Zoom class so I can move on to my TVAs and other muscles that aren’t being properly activated. I’ve never been so in tune with my body and my pain levels keep decreasing. It’s impossible for me to overstate my gratitude to everyone involved in this program, including the other participants who cheer each other on.
On the topic of online communities, I must share my deep gratitude to Molly Knight for creating such a wonderful space for baseball fans to share our love of the game. The people who attend the Zooms and weekly chats are so lovely that I even find myself rooting for teams such as the Mets, Dodgers, Mariners, and Guardians now so that I can share in their joy!9 10
I cherish my weekly Self-Compassion Zoom meetings. It’s heartwarming to share space with people from across the globe who want to create a more compassionate world. I learn so much and I leave feeling hopeful for the future of humanity, which is no small feat given the negative news I am faced with daily.
And of course, there’s my original online community of international autistics, facilitated by Matthew the #ActuallyAutistic Coach. I’ve grown so much in my self-awareness and confidence through our Zoom meetings and WhatsApp chats. I can’t even imagine who I would be today without them. Certainly not writing this newsletter or sending letters to get to know my neighbours.
I am grateful for everyone who is part of these communities. I’m grateful for everyone in their lives who support them so they can participate. I’m grateful for everyone involved in the technology platforms that allow us to connect from a multitude of countries around the world. I’m grateful for everyone involved in allowing me access to Wi-Fi and electricity.
Clearly I could go on in this manner as I’ve only touched on a fraction of the people who have made my life better, but I think I get my point. Full independence is a lie. Striving for independence is a goal that cut me off from help in my time of need and I’m not interested in that mentality anymore. We are all connected, and I am ready to take my place in the interdependence web.
Part of me is still afraid of meeting new people and that is okay. People who live from a place of cruelty exist, and it is good for me to have a part of me who is on guard for threats. I’m choosing though, to see and believe in the good of others11 and, perhaps naively, expect the best to happen. I like my optimism and I’m grateful for my it– I don’t want to bury or silence it. I don’t want to give up just because something is hard and/or scary. But I’m equally grateful for the part of me who has my back and will throw a fit if I’m treated poorly. She is a wonderful protector. Together, they help my Capital S Self lead the way to a better tomorrow.
BASIC ASSUMPTIONS OF THE IFS MODEL
It is the nature of the mind to be subdivided into an indeterminate number of subpersonalities or parts.
Everyone has a Self, and the Self can and should lead the individual's internal system.
The non-extreme intention of each part is something positive for the individual. There are no "bad" parts, and the goal of therapy is not to eliminate parts but instead to help them find their non-extreme roles.
As we develop, our parts develop and form a complex system of interactions among themselves; therefore, systems theory can be applied to the internal system. When the system is reorganized, parts can change rapidly.
Changes in the internal system will affect changes in the external system and vice versa. The implication of this assumption is that both the internal and external levels of system should be assessed.
The smaller self is not less important than the higher self.
I think I had more anxiety than normal during this conversation because Stroman isn’t a Blue Jay anymore, so I was slightly “outside of my lane” and he is a bit of a controversial player. The discourse surrounding him can get hot at times.
Often blunt
I’m possibly up to two days/week, but checking to see if I have to make adjustments to accommodate this extra energy expenditure. I think I will :(
My mom
Not necessarily expected by people with chronic illnesses that baffle their physicians.
This is an affiliate link, but the price is no different to you than what I paid.
Obviously not when they play against the Blue Jays.
I even find myself cheering for Baltimore and Boston this season - division rivals! But it’s more fun than wailing in despair and disappointment.
Including me