Introduction

When my life fell apart, I found a deep need to understand apologies.

A tulip from my garden falling apart.

The Breakup

Last summer (August, 2023) my long-term boyfriend abruptly broke up with me. I had been dealing with long COVID for a year and a half, which made me very sick. I was mostly housebound and he became my primary caregiver. I had developed chronic hives in June that were devastating to me – they made it hard to sleep and the pain and itchiness were excruciating. No antihistamines could touch them and I was miserable. On top of my illness, his mom was diagnosed with cancer in early 2023 and died 3 months later. We were drowning and while I thought we would always be together to help keep each other afloat, he felt differently. My appointment with a cardiologist was finally just 6 weeks away, but he couldn’t wait that long for relief. I wasn’t fun anymore and he wasn’t attracted to me while caring for me. So out I went.

I’m lucky my parents were able and willing to welcome me back home. I spent weeks in denial and created plans for how we could ask for help from our friends and family to support our relationship. I knew he was dealing with trauma from watching his mom die by MAID¹ and I was positive he would want us to be together again once he dealt with that trauma and we created scaffolding to help us with my disability. I couldn’t conceive of a reality where we didn’t love each other. I couldn’t believe that he could stop loving me because I got sick.

 But he had stopped loving me. And when I started to understand that we were not getting back together, that he had developed feelings for a friend instead, that he had been lying to me (and himself) for months about how he felt, and that my disability would always be a problem for him? I had rage. I have never felt as much rage as I felt towards him last winter. And I wanted apologies for every single way he made me feel insignificant.

Discovering I’m Autistic

Meanwhile, in the fall of 2022, I started to suspect I was autistic. I saw posts from other autistic long haulers that I deeply related to. I started asking my ex if he experienced the world the way that I did. Sometimes he did, but many times he didn’t. I read articles and thought back on so many past difficulties in my life. Could this explain why people think I’m funny when I’m just pointing out the literal truth? Could this explain the problems I’ve had with friendships over the years? Could this explain why I’ve rarely felt like I belong, no matter which group I’ve been part of?

I decided the answer was yes. Understanding myself as neurodivergent explains my life and my experience so well. I started to embrace my “quirks” in a way I hadn’t before, but I also found it difficult to reorient my friendships and relationships. How do I tell my loved ones I’m autistic and will they accept me? There are so many misconceptions about autistic people and I didn’t want to experience rejection. So, outside of my ex, I only told my mom (and later my dad). I knew I needed friends who understood me. I was very isolated due to long COVID, but I didn’t know how to meet people, whether online or in person. So I set that problem aside and relied almost exclusively on my ex for my social life, which I now see was unfair to him.

After our breakup, I realized it was essential for me to learn how to make friends as an autistic person. In October 2023, I signed up for an online group with other recently recognized autistics to better understand my experience and hopefully find a place where I did belong. Matthew’s group gave me more than I could ever have dreamed.

A New Paradigm

Matthew shared articles with us by Nick Walker, including one called Throw Away the Master’s Tools that introduced us to the concept of switching from the pathology paradigm to the neurodiversity paradigm. This switch in thinking essentially says that we are different, not wrong (but it’s more than that and worth reading the full article).

We also learned that when our brains get overloaded or overheated, they instinctively “meltdown” to cool down. In the same way that someone else doesn’t have a choice in having a seizure, I don’t have a choice when I have a meltdown and it doesn’t make sense for me to feel guilty about a natural function of my brain. Insert mind-blowing emoji!

During this time of learning about how my brain works, I had multiple meltdowns that included me saying very mean things to my ex, which I later felt terrible and guilty about. In the group chat Matthew set up, I asked how I could apologize for the mean things I said during a meltdown without apologizing for being me. Matthew’s response was that I didn’t need to apologize.

I didn’t need to apologize.

I cried so much that weekend as I processed and internalized this new paradigm. I didn’t need to feel guilty for how I am or who I am. I didn’t need to feel guilty for the ways my brain works. I can learn techniques to reduce the number of meltdowns I have AND not feel guilty when they do happen. It’s one thing to intellectually understand something, and it’s quite another to experience the impact of this new way of thinking. Instead of feeling loathing and hatred towards myself, I could feel love and compassion and accept myself as I am.

As I thought this over, I realized that this new way of thinking opened up many new questions about apologies. If I didn’t have to apologize for actions cause by my disabilities, when did I need to apologize? And when did I deserve an apology? What if the “bad” behaviour of others is due to a disability that I might not be aware of? How could I talk about the impact of my meltdowns with those who witnessed them that honoured both of us? What about my belief that the impact of our actions is more important than our intention? My thoughts got complicated, and I’ve been itching to discuss them ever since.

So that’s what this newsletter will be about: working through this new paradigm, explaining how I now view apologies, how I see shame influencing apologies, and looking at how I can use apologies to strengthen my relationships and communities, including the relationship I have with myself. This is my personal journey and while I can definitively say it has helped me become more confident, regulated, and at peace, I have no idea if anyone else would benefit from following in my path. I do think there’s value in sharing our experiences and especially the vulnerable parts, so that’s my intention. And when I inevitably stumble in the future, I will have this newsletter to consult to get back on track :)

I would love to hear your thoughts. Are you someone who apologizes often? Do you wish you received more apologies? What does a good apology sound like to you?

1. Medical Assistance in Dying https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/ad-am/bk-di.html