This is such a good topic. As a person with a progressive, severe physical disability (caused by a genetic disorder) who has relied on a lot of help from others for most of my life, I can find myself apologizing a lot for things I can't really help, especially when the person helping me (most often my mom) seems extra stressed or when I'm having an especially difficult time emotionally or physically. Through self-compassion work, bringing old patterns of thinking into my awareness, and learning mind-body techniques for better relief of my nervous symptom sensations (pain, headaches, endurance, just feeling off, etc.), I'm slowly working to change that. Reading your post, I realized I'm far less likely to feel that others should apologize to me. That doesn't mean I don't feel hurt. It definitely needs to be a balance and a better awareness of when apologies can help the story move forward.
Kate, I applaud your courage and fortitude. My adult daughter is neurodivergent but this is a fairly recent diagnosis. I wept to think of how I failed to meet her needs as a child. Then I just thought about how I apologize for everything and I had to take a step back. For some reason, ADHD only affected boys when my daughter was in elementary school, junior high school, and on through a master’s degree. Her diagnosis gave me a different perspective and I’m grateful for that. She’s a courageous and enthusiastic young woman and I love her all the time. She’s working full time, has a well-trained pup, and lives just down the driveway from me. When we rebuilt our house after it burned to the ground in December of 2017 we decided to add an ADU. It’s her house now. We’re still learning how to go in this life but it’s a good thing. Also a tv show I saw recently featured a character who said of an older coworker “her generation just apologizes” and my husband looked at me and said That’s you! So I too am interested in apologies. Sending love to you, dear Kate.
Oh gosh, I'm sorry you lost your house to a fire! That must have been a nightmare to experience. But lovely that it allows you and your daughter to live close to each other. ❤️
It's so unfortunate that ADHD and autism are overlooked in girls and women so often - and people of colour too. I hope that as more of us become visible, more young neurodivergent people will get the support and accommodations they need as their needs will be recognized. I'm really glad to hear that your daughter is thriving and I hope you can give yourself forgiveness for not knowing what you didn't know. Like you said, it was a boy thing, so why would you (or my parents) think of it? I personally reserve my anger for the researchers who excluded girls and our society that often dismisses girls and women.
I'm happy to have you along for my apology journey and welcome any comments you might have. I really do think it's a very interesting topic! ❤️❤️
This is so very honest, as as Dan has said, courageous. I had no knowledge of the neurodivergent support group and Nick Walker, and it had given me much to think about. Please take care, Kate - and I am hoping you find all the love you need and very much deserve.
Thank you! Whether or not my future has another romantic relationship in it, (and for the record, Universe, I would like another shot at a loving relationship!!!) I have a lot more love for myself, which I'm very grateful for. ❤️
This is such a good topic. As a person with a progressive, severe physical disability (caused by a genetic disorder) who has relied on a lot of help from others for most of my life, I can find myself apologizing a lot for things I can't really help, especially when the person helping me (most often my mom) seems extra stressed or when I'm having an especially difficult time emotionally or physically. Through self-compassion work, bringing old patterns of thinking into my awareness, and learning mind-body techniques for better relief of my nervous symptom sensations (pain, headaches, endurance, just feeling off, etc.), I'm slowly working to change that. Reading your post, I realized I'm far less likely to feel that others should apologize to me. That doesn't mean I don't feel hurt. It definitely needs to be a balance and a better awareness of when apologies can help the story move forward.
Thanks for reading and sharing your experience, Sharon. I'm glad the self-compassion work is helping you - it has been so helpful for me too.
Kate, I applaud your courage and fortitude. My adult daughter is neurodivergent but this is a fairly recent diagnosis. I wept to think of how I failed to meet her needs as a child. Then I just thought about how I apologize for everything and I had to take a step back. For some reason, ADHD only affected boys when my daughter was in elementary school, junior high school, and on through a master’s degree. Her diagnosis gave me a different perspective and I’m grateful for that. She’s a courageous and enthusiastic young woman and I love her all the time. She’s working full time, has a well-trained pup, and lives just down the driveway from me. When we rebuilt our house after it burned to the ground in December of 2017 we decided to add an ADU. It’s her house now. We’re still learning how to go in this life but it’s a good thing. Also a tv show I saw recently featured a character who said of an older coworker “her generation just apologizes” and my husband looked at me and said That’s you! So I too am interested in apologies. Sending love to you, dear Kate.
Oh gosh, I'm sorry you lost your house to a fire! That must have been a nightmare to experience. But lovely that it allows you and your daughter to live close to each other. ❤️
It's so unfortunate that ADHD and autism are overlooked in girls and women so often - and people of colour too. I hope that as more of us become visible, more young neurodivergent people will get the support and accommodations they need as their needs will be recognized. I'm really glad to hear that your daughter is thriving and I hope you can give yourself forgiveness for not knowing what you didn't know. Like you said, it was a boy thing, so why would you (or my parents) think of it? I personally reserve my anger for the researchers who excluded girls and our society that often dismisses girls and women.
I'm happy to have you along for my apology journey and welcome any comments you might have. I really do think it's a very interesting topic! ❤️❤️
This is so very honest, as as Dan has said, courageous. I had no knowledge of the neurodivergent support group and Nick Walker, and it had given me much to think about. Please take care, Kate - and I am hoping you find all the love you need and very much deserve.
Jack
Thank you! Whether or not my future has another romantic relationship in it, (and for the record, Universe, I would like another shot at a loving relationship!!!) I have a lot more love for myself, which I'm very grateful for. ❤️
Thanks for reading! I hope you like Nick's piece too. I think her work is really wonderful and helpful 😃
Oops, that was meant to be a reply to Dan 🤪
Hi Kate!
Thanks for your courageous and candid thoughts and insight. I sort of like the "neurodivergent" concept. I will check out the Nick Walker piece later.
Please take care of yourself.
DAN