What is forgiveness and is it important?
Looking at the ways I can respond after I've been hurt
Last week I wrote that “I want to find out if I can find forgiveness for those who fail to protect me”. I also wrote about self-forgiveness, but I find I’m struggling to understand exactly what forgiveness is in the context of my new way of viewing apologies.
To recap my post on needs and boundaries, I want an apology when a boundary has been crossed; a crossed boundary means a need hasn’t been met. So, considering which boundary has been crossed, who crossed it, and if they knew in advance about it, what are my options for how to respond when someone crosses a boundary?
I can ignore my needs and say nothing
I can convince myself that my needs aren’t needs (or aren’t important) and go along with having my boundary crossed
I can allow this boundary to be crossed, because the person is dangerous to me and if I stand up for myself, I might be in greater danger
I can explain my needs and/or boundary and ask them to respect those needs
I can tell them exactly what I need from them
I can get angry at them for not respecting my boundary – depending on how regulated I am, this might mean I have a meltdown because, as a reminder, not having my needs met overloads my brain and nervous system and I have no choice but to express this excess energy to cool down (and hopefully get into a safer environment)
I can decide to remove them from my life and not talk to them anymore
I can try to get revenge by damaging their possessions, their reputation, their body, and/or their sense of self
I can try to convince others to reject and/or punish them
I can write about them and the situation
I can try to understand why they did what they did
I can have an uncomfortable conversation by telling them they hurt me and working through our conflicting needs and wants to find a solution
I can tell them it wasn’t a big deal and not to worry about it
I can grieve the end of our relationship that I mistakenly thought was founded on mutual respect
I can hold onto my anger and let it fester inside me
I can move on with my life
Are some of these options forgiveness? Ultimately, my goal is to get my needs met. If that happens, it is easy to move forward. Sometimes, the other person literally isn’t capable of meeting my needs because of disability and/or conflicting needs of their own. This is harder to navigate, but I can find compassion for both of us as we try to find a solution and/or part ways. The big challenge is what to do when the other person doesn’t respect me and my needs. And what I’m currently finding to be a particularly devastating challenge, is what to do when the person is family, they say they love me, but they choose not to accommodate my needs. Can I forgive them? Should I forgive them?
According to the Mayo Clinic, “Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger”.
Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center takes it a step further and says, “Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness”, emphasis mine.
Both definitions imply that forgiveness is something I do on my own, separate from the person or group I am forgiving. I disagree that forgiveness is something that can be done on my own. I agree I can release anger and resentment without the participation of the other person, but for me, forgiveness is relational and except for when I am forgiving myself, it requires a minimum of two people.1 That also means it isn’t always possible.
The other problem I have with these definitions is it puts the entire responsibility of forgiveness on the person who was harmed, when I think the person who did the harming must share the responsibility of forgiveness. It’s not enough for someone to ask, “will you forgive me?” if they aren’t willing to do any work to earn that forgiveness. Years ago, I read the book, How Can I Forgive You? by Janis A. Spring. I highly recommend it, as it is that book that solidified for me the concept of earning forgiveness. She also explains how it is possible to do work on one’s own to accept what happened if the other person isn’t willing, available, or safe to do the work of forgiveness with.
If forgiveness is relational, what does it give the person who did the harm? For the person giving forgiveness, according to the above definitions, it allows the person to let go of the stranglehold that anger has on them and move forward with their life. When I have wanted forgiveness, I’ve felt guilt and I’ve wanted permission to no longer feel guilty. I wonder if that’s the same for others? If I tell someone, “I forgive you” or “don’t worry about it”, I want them to stop feeling bad. To me, it seems that forgiveness lets one person release their anger and one person release their guilt.
I’ve discussed guilt and shame and when it is appropriate to feel these emotions and when it isn’t. If I let someone know they have crossed one of my boundaries, I want them to feel a little bit of guilt to spur them to respect my boundaries in the future, provided they are capable of doing so without neglecting their own needs.2 Guilt is helpful when it encourages us to act in accordance with our values and not helpful when it convinces us our abilities or disabilities aren’t good enough.
If someone gives me a hug and I pull away and tell them not to touch me? I hope they will feel just enough guilt to convince them not to touch me again unless I later give permission. If they back off, apologize, and say they will check with me in advance if they want to give me a hug in the future, I will easily forgive them as they are now respecting my needs and pledging to respect them in the future. I don’t want them to hold onto their guilt for longer than necessary, especially as there’s the risk it could morph into shame.
But, if I clearly tell someone not to touch me without permission and they respond that “it’s only a hug” or I should “lighten up” or anything other than a genuine apology and promise to respect my boundary in the future, I will not do anything to relieve them of any guilt they might feel because I want them to feel guilty. I want them to be someone who respects me and believes that I know what’s best for me.
The problem though, is that if I clearly tell someone my boundaries and they decide to cross them anyway, and it isn’t because of a need they have but because they don’t want to change their behaviour to accommodate me, then it seems unlikely they would feel any guilt. If they don’t feel guilty and they won’t apologize, what am I to do?
I found myself in this situation this weekend as my brother and his partner visited from across the country. I asked my brother to mask well in advance as I need clean air, but he refused to because: I can mask instead, his partner certainly was not going to wear a mask, and it probably wouldn’t stay on while he was sleeping on the plane anyway. I tried to convince him to wear a mask if not for me, then for our parents who wouldn’t likely mask while he was here, asking if he will feel guilty if they end up disabled from an infection he brought to them. He thought that was too much responsibility for him, and while I agree it is unfair, it is our current reality. The last we spoke before he arrived, he told me he didn’t know what he would do. I had hope that he would find it within himself to respect me and our parents, but that hope was misplaced.
I kept to myself most of the time they were here, but decided to spend some time with everyone outside3 to see if I could set aside my disappointment and enjoy time with my brother. I couldn’t. Maybe in the future my emotions won’t be so raw and I will be able to compartmentalize them enough to enjoy his company. Or maybe he will change his mind about his duty to protect others, especially those more vulnerable than him. I would certainly be happy to hang out again if he changed his views on preventing infectious diseases and I hope beyond hope that it doesn’t take him becoming disabled to change his mind.4 For now though, my values and his values on this subject are incompatible, and I am filled with grief. I don’t want revenge and I don’t want him to be punished. I just want his respect. I can’t make him see me as a person worthy of accommodations though, so I’m left with lots of feelings to feel and the knowledge that I should look elsewhere for people who will fill my need for respect.
I am also disappointed with my parents for failing to protect the three of us as well, but I can understand that they have a need to accept their children no matter what. I don’t forgive them for breaking our house rule that to sleep over, our guests must mask in public places in the week leading up to their stay. I want them to feel enough guilt to keep that rule in place in the future, no matter who wants to stay. I firmly believe our health is more important than their temporary discomfort and inconvenience.
As I write this on Sunday, my mom has been coughing, sneezing, and sniffling all day. I am praying to all the gods that she doesn’t have COVID and that her long-term health doesn’t deteriorate. I want her to be happy and healthy, and the same goes for my dad. At the same time, I am so relieved and proud of myself for sticking to my values, respecting my need for clean air, and continuing to mask. Hopefully it was enough for remain infection-free.
And with self-forgiveness, it involves at least two parts of me, so it is still a relational action.
I’ve previously given an example of how I need lower volumes as loud sounds, music, voices, etc hurt my ears. My parents need louder volumes to be able to hear the sounds at all. I do not want them to feel guilty when they ask to turn up the volume on the TV, even though it means my need isn’t being met. I will wear headphones when it is too loud for me.
While wearing a mask
Please know, dear brother, that I will be here for you as much as I can if that becomes your future.